it's so stupid

it feels so suffocating 

I'm still hurting so much

and it hurts so much more that I'll never get an apology or acknowledgement 

yeah I'm always the bad guy because I'm younger? isn't that fucked up

Hey, I figured I should start writing again. The blog's name means "I am born again" which is quite poignant in terms of how I'm feeling. Thanks, past me... (I'm assuming 2015, when I was studying Latin. I have forgotten everything 👁️👄👁️)

Life's been hard. I'm not gonna tell myself it's not. Life has been hard for me. But it's just frustrating that it didn't used to feel this hard. It's like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I'm still in freeze mode, waiting for someone to take over so I can feel like I can relax. But I don't have anyone else in this house.

And it sucks bc I used to romanticize living alone. During the darkest times with Nat I would imagine an alternate future where I just live alone and work towards myself and my own hobbies and goals. maybe travel the world. Something broke in me these past two years. It was everything that happened with Nat, and Neena. Especially Neena, I think. I was trying to be happy again but life keeps throwing impossibilities at us. 

Maybe for Nat it's bc I knew I'd already given my all and then some, I was at the very bottom of my jar of what I could give, what I could bear. It ruined me physically. But at least with Nat I can feel definitive about it. We can't work together until she learns to communicate, which I don't know if she'll ever be able to do, and it's unfair for both of us for me to wait, and for her to feel that pressure. 

But Neena feels different. I feel so shattered. I still ache. (I mean I still ache for Nat but it feels better knowing it really can't work) But with Neena, back in August I realized if we worked on it a little more we would've had a good living situation going. It was only the financial problems that held me back. I know how I get when there's financial problems, and the two of them aren't the same person but if I'm very honest I dont think I can trust either of them to be responsible with their money the way I am, or the way I am privileged to have wiggle room. idk

I got a call while writing this post, so the Thoughts will have to continue a different time